is it possible for one person to supply another with all they need? i think no, then why do i spend a large majority of my emotional time upset by others not "giving" me what i need? is it what i need or is it a want?
who decides what we need and want as beings? is it pre programmed into our hard drive? is it as simple as finding the right remote in someone else and having our personal needs fulfill led by what they can offer?
i feel it is not possible for one person we love to supply us with all the "'things'' we need, be emotional, physical, financial, or companionship.
so then why do i expect so much from someone?
i have tried wrapping up all of me into one being and it turned out highly unsuccessful, so then why do i feel i am going against the grain when i confide in a friend or vent to a coworker?
i suppose in a ideal world where i am comfortable with myself i would in turn require less from others.
september of 2009 i was flying high, i was supporting myself and 4 children, i was happy i thought i was pretty and i felt so alive. now it is may 2010 and i hate looking in the mirror, i am supporting my self and 6 other people and i am failing miserably, and i feel anything but alive.
why the change, where did i go, a year ago i had boundaries, i didn't let people get to me the way i do today, i was who i was and that was that. now i just don't know. have i had unachievable expectations of myself? did i take on too much?
should i even be putting this out there? too late... i am almost positive i am not the only one with self doubt and thoughts of questions upon questions.
where did i come from? where am i going? i know or do i know what i have been taught? do i believe it for me myself and i? not because i have kids but because i care enough for myself to find out.
chasing chelsea has begun
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Oh Dear,
ReplyDeleteI hope things can get better for you soon. I just read a book called "Writing down your Soul" By Janet Conner. It's really helped me see a different persective on things. You can read the first chapter on her website if you're interested. Here's the link. http://www.writingdownyoursoul.com/tp40/Default.asp?ID=122654
I really do hope things start looking up for you soon. You're a wonderful person and I greatly admire you.
Chelsea,
ReplyDeleteLife is not meant to be easy. We all have ups and downs, highs and lows. You and ONLY YOU can make your self happy. When it comes right down to it, you make that choice. So it seems you are hitting a low... don't look to others to blame. Look within to find your happiness. Things are always changing and a lot has happened to you in a year! Embrace the changes and look at them as experiences that will make you stronger and test you. Remember that your family loves you, and I love you! Call me if you need to chat. I am thinking about you and sending feel good vibes your way. Maybe you have taken WAY too much on! You are working AND going to school, all while Todd cannot work.... thats a lot to deal with:)
Lynds