matters of the heart

is it possible for one person to supply another with all they need? i think no, then why do i spend a large majority of my emotional time upset by others not "giving" me what i need? is it what i need or is it a want?

who decides what we need and want as beings? is it pre programmed into our hard drive? is it as simple as finding the right remote in someone else and having our personal needs fulfill led by what they can offer?

i feel it is not possible for one person we love to supply us with all the "'things'' we need, be emotional, physical, financial, or companionship.

so then why do i expect so much from someone?

i have tried wrapping up all of me into one being and it turned out highly unsuccessful, so then why do i feel i am going against the grain when i confide in a friend or vent to a coworker?

i suppose in a ideal world where i am comfortable with myself i would in turn require less from others.

september of 2009 i was flying high, i was supporting myself and 4 children, i was happy i thought i was pretty and i felt so alive. now it is may 2010 and i hate looking in the mirror, i am supporting my self and 6 other people and i am failing miserably, and i feel anything but alive.

why the change, where did i go, a year ago i had boundaries, i didn't let people get to me the way i do today, i was who i was and that was that. now i just don't know. have i had unachievable expectations of myself? did i take on too much?

should i even be putting this out there? too late... i am almost positive i am not the only one with self doubt and thoughts of questions upon questions.

where did i come from? where am i going? i know or do i know what i have been taught? do i believe it for me myself and i? not because i have kids but because i care enough for myself to find out.

chasing chelsea has begun

To speak when others listen

To listen when others speak. To see then judge. To shatter.

I recently was the "victim" of a she saw, she told, she accused event. I never want this occurrence to happen to me again. As much as I disliked the entire process it made me think, '' have i ever done this?'' By this I mean, have I ever saw someone or heard something and then gone on to tell others of this ''siting''.

I have, I have definitely gossiped and talked as if I knew exactly what I was talking about, when in fact all I knew was nothing. What happened to me was extremely hurtful and I do not want to un knowingly do that to someone else. Now here comes the hard part, to not gossip is extremely difficult and easier said then done.

In my defense I have never gossiped to the point where someone stops speaking to their family. Or have I?... How would one know the extent of damage caused?

In the past 7 months I have become rather calloused to the idea of judging others, I see absolutely no point in doing so and have even less tolerance for those who do. Gossip is to judging as judging is to gossip. They do nothing but confuse, hurt and lower IQ's.

I used to be very black and white when it came to right and wrong, except of course when it was regarding my actions then I had some room for grey.

I have realised that I have enough to do and barely ever accomplish it, why would I add the impossible task of judging others who are just trying to make it through their day?

As much as crappy experiences bring us growth, they are still hurtful and crappy! However I have chosen to walk away from the crap and grow from the lesson.

Which to me is to smile, do the best you can and appreciate others for their efforts.

Here's to turning crappy experiences into fertilizer!

Chasing Chelsea

As I daydream of political, spiritual and humanitarian discussions, I feel the urge to let them spill out. I am not a prolific writer or even a talented one at that. I am just one that heals from the words of others and by releasing my own.

I wanted to keep this blog seperate from that of my "lighter" blog, partially because I dont want my thoughts to be confused as my "families" thougths, they each like me have their own words. Which I try to express on that blog, on this is me finding me.

enjoy